I had great time hiking last weekend, though in terms of soul-searching, you could say that I fell down on the job, if you thought of soul searching as an aggressive action that you undertake with structure, and careful planning, as a spiritual discipline. This is what I use to think myself, but my feelings are changing... things seem not as clear. My understanding of God had been torn down, some time ago, but I think I simply would not acknowledge it. As a child, the earliest communications from denominational Christians, made little sense, and it seems inexplicable to me that I did not reject the existence of Christ out of hand, and this, I attribute to the Holy Spirit, and a blind belief in my earthly father. I was never taken to church as child, but he read me Bible stories when I was young, and had never yet caught him in a lie.
For the last 10 years or so, I have moved toward Christ, and have called myself a Christian for seven or eight years. I am sure we all go through emotional pain, and who is to say whose is worse, but it seems to me that I have hurt for a long time. I can see many blessings, in my life, and I am very aware that I have it better than many, But recent events have struck me hard, and my faith does not comfort me. I reach for an invisible God, and he is silent. Peter Lord tells us that God is speaking still, and we have to learn to hear him. What kind of love is that? I have a hard time reconciling myself with the Idea, that God has something He wants me to hear, but the information is lost because of a failing on my part.
Anyway, I brought home from the mountains a ton of pictures to sort, and a few foundational truths to rebuild my faith on...
- It begins tomorrow...or maybe later