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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tired

windy night Larger

Haven’t posted in a while…I browse through some peoples blogs and the craftsmanship humbles me…some of these people are so prolific, they are obviously putting things into words at a much faster rate than I can under the best of circumstances. My incompetent keyboarding combines with a pathetic attention span, requiring too much time to articulate my thoughts with any regularity and still get my chores done. The inevitable storms of everyday life take their toll as well. Lately, my disintegrating marriage and the upcoming divorce, along with all it entails has occupied most of my attention.
I am forced to redefine my faith and reconcile the consequences of relational failure, with a loving God who nevertheless has standards of acceptable behavior. I begin to wonder at the propriety of some of the things I can see me posting in the future. This Blog is fairly anonymous, only one or two friends have ever intentionally browsed through it, but with a little deduction, it could probably be traced to my Public Identity.
The cathartic release I seek when I put pain of this magnitude into words, requires complete freedom, and the knowledge of who I am, however unlikely it is stumbled across, could compromise the privacy of people that I still care about. School begins the 28th of May, and the drastic change in lifestyle was something I reasonably expected to be quite challenging in it’s own right. The prospect of having to acquire a familiarity with a large amount of data spread across several disciplines while simultaneously working through the grief of shattered hopes to complete life with my first wife is paralyzing. I have heard many stories of God’s grace restoring impossible relationships, but realistically, it seems this involves two willing souls, and Divine Providence seldom overrides freewill, especially in the realm of personal relationship.
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