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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

So, I backslid.


Oops...I left the coffee pot on., originally uploaded by use2blost.
     Yesterday morning and had a cigarette. You can buy singles illegally from certain ethnically managed convenience stores, and (the going rate is .50 a stick.) I had to hook up. I immediately felt shame and remorse, and smoked the (Newport is the only flavor Mr. Patel does. He offered to do Marlboros once, but I declined. I didn't want to make things too attractive.) fag right down to the taste of filter. I cut the filters back on 'Ports anyway, to get more of the good stuff. Anyway, I now have once again detoxed for 36 or so hours.
     I can definitely say that breaking the 24 hour barrier ushers in a special increase in the suck factor. It's exponential. You could say it was SUCKQUARED. Truly. I am not fit company for humans.  I have made no attempt to encourage interaction, though I did drop by Debbie's for a minute or two at some point earlier. I could tell as soon as I was in an environment with other people, that my inner asshole lurked just beneath the surface.
     I split.
     The Craving is intense, and deep, it is accompanied for me, by feelings of anger, loneliness and hopelessness. They come in waves, usually three at a time lasting about three minutes a piece. I have killed a box of Pop-Tarts, and yearn for more, even though full. Coffee is an old dear friend, but detoxing from nicotine, by some cruel twist of fate effectively halves the ex-smokers caffeine tolerance, so my comfort food is denied me. Hopefully, another nights sleep will take some of this edge off.
     I hope this is it.

4 comments:

  1. I remember the last time I tried to quit. (see that... tried ugh)
    I am a bookaholic. I can walk into a bookstore and leave with $50 in books in less then 15 minutes. That is just how I roll.
    However while trying to quit the honey took me to the bookstore to cheer me up.
    (that whole inner asshole thing)
    I remember standing there in the middle of the store with my arms crossed over my chest with my eyes squinted and just being a giant baby. NO I don't want a book... Are YOU done? Can we go home now.

    It is actually frightening how much my body betrayed me over smokes.
    It made me scared to try again.

    (sorry I haven't visited in a while)

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  2. My inner asshole is always lurking just under the surface but I don't smoke cigarettes; at least you have a good excuse. LOL

    I sure do like the picture though.

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  3. Actually feel pretty good this morning...I've been putting off wal-mart, but the population is low now...and the IA has dropped below the radar. If I can just get back to some kind of healthy diet...This thing might happen my quitcounter tells me I'm pushing 69 hours. My libido seems to have dropped back to the level of a younger man...

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  4. Smoking causes your libido to slow down?! I never knew that. Seems to me that fact alone would be enough for some men to quit...unless they weren't getting any to start with. In which case, why want more of what you're already not getting, right? ROFL

    ReplyDelete

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