Intimacy with God... The Hierarchy of Desire

Intimacy with God, originally uploaded by Christopher Rauch.


     Can reverence coexist with intimacy? are respect and reverence on the same continuum? I remember fear going hand in hand with respect, As in my early relationship with my father, but this was hardly reverential. A popular (it seems) statement is that "fear" in the bible can be more accurately translated as reverential trust, but it seems to me, that contextually, this can not always be the case... for instance there is a passage where Jesus admonishes his listeners to not fear who can only kill the body, but rather, sensibly enough, to fear or fear more, the one who can destroy the body as well as the soul. Also, there is a passage where he warns in the parable of the servant who is forgiven a great debt...of the wrath that awaits if we do not forgive others. To substitute reverential trust for the mainstream concept of fear, makes both of these passages unworkable, does it not? I have a yardstick in my relational concept of the earthly father/son relationship that provides a basis for me to intuit/remember fear and intimacy side by side, though most definitely...the more fear... the less intimacy. 
     It is difficult to reconcile reverence with intimacy...I associate intimacy with words like comfortable, relaxed, and familiar. I do not associate these with reverence. Can a man choose his feelings? We can act reverential, but this seems religious, and legalistic instead of relational. I seem powerless to choose my feelings. I cannot even choose to feel fear, but simply act wary if I think I should be cautious. My God, the God of the Bible, is so difficult to pin down and to understand. For so many years, to feel like I know someone has been equated with having a feel for their character, a knowledge of what they may say or do in certain situations. I am comfortable with the notion that paradox is inescapeable when considering the Maker of All Things, but still...Reverence is a form of Awe...or is it?
     This is difficult to think through and duty calls (sleep calls, too). Perhaps it is like a father who requires his sons to call him "Sir" (my own father did not do this, though for a brief period I addressed him as "Sir" because one of my friends did this with their dad, and I thought it was cool.) Resolution eludes me... but I feel that it is perhaps arrogant, this angst I feel. To insist fruitlessly that God interact with me according to the template of my experience and expectation.


Good Night.

I am Stepping up...

Stepping up., originally uploaded by Christopher Rauch.  View the LARGE version

to the plate.
     In soooo many different ways. Dat's whats up. Tonight, on the Starbucks patio, I have coffee at my right hand, and a good cigar in my left. I have been in constant motion for days and tonight I have chosen to sacrifice a little sleep to get my bearings. I am taking stock. I am evaluating a few priorities and taking a personal inventory. 
     I have been accepted into the nursing program. It has taken me over three years to get here (really it's taken about eight... I needed a few years before I could even find the balls to listen to that quiet little voice in my head, and look at the picture I kept seeing...) When I began this journey, I wasn't even a high school graduate. Now, three years hence, I have graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Georgia Military College, and I am awestruck when I pause to consider the sheer enormity of what God has accomplished with an attention-deficit dyslexic who left home at seventeen without ever having learned how to live. I have a degree today, and I am engaged in seeking another one. I dream of one day being able to provide for a family, and impact my world in a positive way for the glory of my God. I also hope like hell that this is not entirely my idea, but my faith in this grows stronger with every miraculously opened door, and I have finally come to a place where I am at least a little bit comfortable with letting God handle his end and concentrating on mine. Concentration is not my strong suite, especially if I am distracted trying to handle God's business.
      As soon as I decided to go back to school, my dying marriage took a nose dive, and I ended up getting a divorce. As I was driving across town to have my wife sign the papers, I got a phone call. My father had died. The next forty eight hours were incredible, and I have never been the same. Depression seems to come and go, and returning to school after a twenty five year break has been indescribably stressful. I got more than a little crazy, and still have a difficult time remembering how I managed to get through school with the grades needed to make it into the nursing program at my college. Several times it seemed that someone else was in the driver's seat, and I am grateful. I have also become aware of how unlikely my success was, in the face of my lifestyle and attitude. The stakes are now much higher, both financially and emotionally. I really don't want to deal with the consequences of dropping this ball, and it has become important to come to clarity about my big picture, what I have been doing wrong, and what needs to change in order to pull this off.
     A little over nine months ago, I heard the clue phone start ringing, and when I answered it... it turned out to be for me. Whaddya know. The voice on the line basically said: "You're fucking up. Not only do I have a much better life prepared for you, but I have a job for you to do, and you're not doing it!"

     I argue with God often, (though he has yet to strike me dead, obviously.) This time, I took the divine asschewing without complaint. I knew I had it coming. I was miserable. I was wallowing in self -pity and had fallen into depression. I was drinking daily, and had returned to some old ways of thinking, which I've posted about earlier. In my anger and disappointment, my prayers became arrogant, accusatory, and infrequent. I began romantic involvement immediately, and began to take several hundred pictures a week. Anything to avoid dealing with multifaceted grief, grow the fuck up, and learn how to live. My life was a mess, and I was ripe for the divine wake up call. I had  gotten off track, to say the least. I am among other things, a mystic. Many of us pray. If the surveys are to be believed, even atheists pray, but as Andy Stanley says, a mystic is someone who believes God talks back...or talks period, I forget which. 
     C.S. Lewis tells us that God "whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain; It is his megaphone to rouse a dying world." My world was dying, and I heard the shout. I have, along with the every other living creature, experienced my share of pain. I have slowly, stubbornly learned to recognize the voice of my God in these instances, and further- have been growing ever more sensitive to the speaking and whispering. Still, he must shout at me from time to time, because, like D.L. Moody, the sensitivity to God's voice leaks out of me, through the many holes in my character.

     Anyway, I heard the message and made the decision to return to habits and disciplines that had brought me so far, and helped me so much in the past. I began to again seek personal growth, and the struggle to redefine and rebuild my life, this time with a commitment to surrender to God's design for the life of Chris Rauch. 
     Now, a decision is one thing, and for the most part, an indispensible prerequisite to intentional progress, but it is in the theatre of practical application that the rubber truly meets the road. In my resolve, I must answer the question: “How do I do this?" For me, the renovation of life is a process, and it begins with constructive action. I work out before I develop muscles. My inclination is to lose weight, develop muscular definition, and then start going to the gym, but things don’t work this way. I have to figure out what to do. To obtain knowledge I must go to those who profess to have it… and if I am wise, I will go to those professors who are actively engaged in ongoing practical application. The best hospitals are research hospitals, and the best universities are those that research the frontiers of knowledge. 
     Self-actualization, as defined by Maslow, is when the desire for fulfillment drives us to reach our maximum potential. When our life is lacking joy/fulfillment, this absence drives us to grow. So the question for me is "Who is busy today, taking practical action to reach self actualization? Who is doing the research?" 
     I find upon reflection that it is usually not the politicians, not the proponents of religious piety, and not the millions of couch potatoes that claim Oprah Winfry as their guru. In all of these cross sections of western society, those who actively seek personal growth are a tiny minority. Honestly, there is no demographic that that is not dominated by apathy, but there is a global community represented my members of all areas of humanity where the minority seeking to actively improve their lives reaches the point of statistical significance. This is the recovery movement. The Twelve Step Programs. It is the alcoholics, the addicts, the codependents, the gamblers, and the compulsively promiscuous, that are driven by the pain of their dysfunction, to apply spiritual principles in their lives and strive toward their maximum potential. These people with all their failings, are my teachers. 
     
     I'll post next on the twelve steps programs, and my take on how the steps operate, but it is late, and this post has gotten a helluva a lot longer than I intended. 


"Now, With God's Help, I Shall Become Myself" ~ Soren Kierkegaard.

   


       Good Night. :)

Fear of the Lord

Easter Sunrise on Lake Joy, originally uploaded by Christopher Rauch.

     Long ago, someone told me that fear, when used in the Old Testament, is best translated as 'reverential trust'. After a little critical thinking, with an average IQ, it becomes apparent that this can't always be the case. Of course, if you read in the original languages, you already know this... hopefully. Fear of the Lord can simply be trepidation over a divine ass-kicking, but  it occurs to me that divine revelation of myself can also be a fearful event, even when my faith that God loves me is strong. This is because I may have to deal with something. To discoverer things about myself that are deeply dysfunctional, self- destructive, or shameful generates dismay. On one level I would rather be a couch potato than mentally get off my ass and turn my awareness toward something that robs me of my potential, and degrades my self esteem. My house can deteriorate around me, but lets see whats on the tube...
    The point of this is that I'd forgotten something that I knew, something I was taught long ago. Tonight I remembered it. Exhaustion can facilitate self-honesty, and tonight... tonight I am freaking exhausted. My work schedule has been demanding and it seems as if someone else is driving. The sleep deficit has increased, and with it my reserves of self control in the little decisions of life... go to bed, clean up, do your paperwork, call  people you have relationships with... Contemplate the next stretch of road on your path. My exhaustion can hobble me, slowing motivation and impacting the decision making process. On the other hand, my exhaustion can be a stone upon which to sharpen the tools of self assessment. As the mind grows weary, it begins to conserve energy, and the effort directed toward self deception is arrested. Sometimes, there is a magic place, a relatively thin slice of the fatigue spectrum where we catch glimpses of our inner reality before fear can shield it. Our true agenda is spread out before us, and the still small voice whispers what it sees of our character into the silence. Will I accept this gift of clarity, or will I choose to reject Gods help, remaining where I am or (shudder) returning from whence I came? When I can see the picture of myself, my conscience wrestles with my awareness of grace. I see the flaws and take my identity from them, rather than the Me I wish to become, my true self.
     It takes balls to continue in my brokenness, to  reach out and grasp treasure I feel unworthy to recieve. The absence of testicular fortitude can lead to sabotage, or defaulting into familiar patterns of self- destruction and self- defeat. The alternative is to pray for courage, commitment, and divine care. With these, I can walk by faith.
     I have been angry at God, and disappointed in him. The death of my father, coinciding with the death of my marriage, three years ago last month was a terribly bitter experience. I had been actively pursuing personal growth, and I walked away, turning my back on many values, and relinquishing behaviors tailored to make me a better servant of my father. As time passed my anger dissipated and I began halfhearted attempts to reconnect with my God, though something was missing. Further into the future, my resolve stiffened, and I began an earnest attempt to recapture my perspective, relying on my own resources. I tried to know an to allow myself to be known, to love again... twice. I have been fooled, taking stated intentions for facts, and believed briefly, that I would have a child of my own, a family. It amazed me, the blindness that accompanied hope. When it shattered, I felt no anger at my Lord this time. Finally, I released my dream, and stood humbly before God in imperfect surrender, my anger and disillusionment directed at mere mortals. What is this hope I have now? Where does it spring from? My fear I cast upon him, counting on his support should heartbreak come to pass. I am sorry for my anger and arrogance, and I hope I please my God.
     I have repented.


"But if he says, I have no delight in you: then, here I am; let him do to me what seems good to him." -2nd Samuel 15:26

The First Pope

I'll Probably Die With Boots On., originally uploaded by Christopher Rauch.

Alrighty...this is my first paper, for my Religion 213 class (an overview of the New Testament). Gotta 97! whoo hoo. I made a small edit, and seem to have lost the copy of the file that had my works cited page. I pulled from Scripture, Grace Awakening by Swindoll, and If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of the Boat. I have been SO busy, it seems I have no time to write for pleasure, lately. :D

 

The First Pope

We tend to forget that Simon Peter walked on water. Not that most of us would get the question wrong on a test; it’s just a fact that seems to float under the radar. It seems almost fashionable to take a friendly swipe at Peter anytime he comes up in a conversation, or a sermon. He has had several hi-profile embarrassing moments that Pastors love to use as illustrations. To give Simon Peter credit for a little humility, much of this information is purportedly from his own mouth, recorded by Mark in his Gospel. Peter’s fame for dropping the ball, and his chronic attacks of hoof in mouth overshadow a down to earth forthrightness, an insight into his own shortcomings, and a childlike regard for Jesus. This simple, flawed love for Christ, so easy to poke fun at, was the vehicle chosen by God reveal the ultimate reality. Peter, in spite of all his flaws, intuitively knows that his friend, this man he follows, is the Son of God. Peter’s all too human foibles leaves the common man uneasily aware that, though he may be the antithesis of a spiritual giant, great piety is nonetheless within his grasp and with it the potential (and perhaps obligation) for remarkable performance in furthering the Kingdom of God.

Peter has echoes of everyman within him. We may be judgmental of Peter's hypocrisy, and amazed at his ability to put his foot in mouth. Nonetheless, in our dismay and amusement, as we take note of his performance, he jogs our memory, and we recognize ourselves in his failings as we also see in his faith and bravery a benchmark that we can aspire to. Peter resembles us at our most unflattering and therein lies the attraction: Even Simon Peter can walk on water when he is focused on Jesus. Naturally faith can falter when our attention is centered on our fear. We see this when Peter starts to sink because he “saw the wind” and we relate immediately. The dynamics of this are so familiar they seem almost humorous. We would expect the same of ourselves and privately feel we may have actually lacked the courage to get out of the boat, as over ninety percent of the passengers did that day .

According to Zondervan’s Pictorial Encyclopedia of the Bible, Peter and Andrew were fishermen like their father, called John or Jonah, depending on which Gospel you consult. The family had relocated from Bethsaida when Jesus met them in Capernaum, and it is speculated they may have been in business with James and John. Peter also had a mother-in-law with everything that implied.  The Encyclopedia goes on to detail Simon Peter’s prominent role in the New Testament. Not only is Peter the first individual introduced to Jesus by a Disciple (his brother, Andrew) but few dispute Peter’s leadership of the early Church. Galatians (2:8-9) tells us that Peter had a special commission to carry the message to the Jews, and of course Simon Peter is a main character in the gospels, and the Acts of the Apostles. Peter is also well represented in early Christian apocryphal writings.

It can seem puzzling, that Jesus left Peter rather than John in charge. We would expect Jesus to entrust the care of his mother to the man who was kindest, closest to him, and most dependable. John also has a less spectacular record in misadventure. In terms of how the World chooses the leader of an important organization, Peter is a dark horse, an unlikely candidate, not the most qualified applicant. Why does Jesus leave Peter in charge?

 Perhaps Peter’s character, with its clay feet, is held up to keep us from discouragement, and provide example and inspiration to people like Peter... people famous for dropping the ball, and  chronic attacks of hoof in mouth. Studying Simon Peter comforts people who aspire to forthrightness, but have an insight into their own shortcomings. People seeking to cultivate a childlike regard for Jesus can look to Peter for an example.  Aware of our less than pristine condition as Simon Peter was (Luke 5:8), we can perhaps come to terms with our audacity as we consider reasoning through doctrine, or accepting a leadership role among our peers. As we look at Peter’s resume we can be reassured that our all-too-visible human nature does not disqualify us from service to God. Though Peter displays cowardice, He grows in stature and later approaches his death with dignified clarity. If we can believe the apocryphal Acts of Peter , Peter requests “I beseech you the executioners, crucify me thus, with the head downward”.

Peter is also famously guilty for having “little faith”, and doubts that can sink a miracle. These memories play a part in shaping the humility Peter develops with maturity. We see the benefits of this in instances where Peter is cautious in his endorsement of doctrine:

For it seemed best to the Holy Spirit and to us  not to place any greater burden on you than these necessary rules: that you abstain from meat that has been sacrificed to idols  and from blood and from what has been strangled  and from sexual immorality.   If you keep yourselves from doing these things,  you will do well. Farewell.

 

Peter was a Jerusalem Rock Star. He was a redneck fisherman who hung with Jesus, and healed people miraculously in public. More then once, the bible portrays Simon Peter as having a defective filter between his brain and his mouth. Now if this man heard audible direction from God, in an environment where such things were known to happen, We would expect him to say something like "God told me that was WRONG”, not to use a word like "seems".  Perhaps this is the proper model for assimilating newcomers of a radically different lifestyle into the Church family. Peter is careful not to present his prayerful consideration as the clear directive of the Holy Spirit.This cuts down on a man's tendency to burn heretics

Discomfort

Double Take, or "Hope It's a Dolphin!", originally uploaded by Christopher Rauch.

    When things are good I feel like God is with me. When things are bad...well that's different. Unfairly, something in me cries out in disappointment with God. It is what it is. After all, what does he expect? It is even (possibly) good theology. Just not mine. Rich Stearns puts forth some fascinating writing of what God expects of us in The Hole in Our Gospel, and I agree with him, even to the point of feeling he is a little too gentle with some uncomfortable truths. There is a popular Evangelical concept of personal intimacy with the Maker of All Things, and I struggle with this. Perhaps this intimacy occurs in the invisible world, the connection rooted in the part of my soul that protrudes into it, a spiritual pseudopod. Frankly, God seldom answers my questions in a tangible way, and I have spent greater than average effort and resources to facilitate some type of tangible interactive relationship with this Person. I read a collection of documents about him, bound together in a format that many people worship. These documents place him at the scene, either party to or the driving force behind multiple atrocities.
     They also say he loves me, and simple stories of incredible depth and impact paint a picture of paradox and complexity, seductive with promises of fulfillment and terrifyingly vague about my personal hopes and dreams. Few events build my sense of trust, and the disillusionment of my middle age, has necessitated a much more vigorous seeking in order to retain a faith in God's goodness. Even now, my beliefs dovetail neatly with the biblical principle that God's plan often involves life totally sucking for someone who loves him. Not a comfortable place to be. I have reached few conclusions, but have come up with some pretty good questions.
     There is a cultural ideal in North American Religianity of a personal one-on-one relationship with Jesus of Nazareth. You will hear people relate information obtained by communion with God, descriptions of quite meditations, and wordless spiritual 'listening'. Sudden conviction that a sentence uttered from mortal lips is a message from the Divine. Much of this is nebulous and leaves some people with feelings of unworthiness, and inadequacy...because it doesn't happen to them, or not as consistently.
     Perhaps much of this is bullshit.
     Forgive me, but I've been waiting for years for someone to say it, and I've reached the end of my patience. I realize you may be an exception, but that just proves how special you are. Whether we view God as our father, groom (EWW!), master, or friend, we are undeniably directed to view each other as neighbors, brethren, family.
     So.
     Last night one of my sisters in a third world country was beaten and raped while out prostituting because she was hungry. She performs for less than a dollar. She probably was HIV positive, or soon will be. Because she was taken so brutally, she will be to sore to work for a while, and will drop a little further toward death by starvation.
     Meanwhile, I went to a bar upset over a couple personal situations. I called a friend from my small group, and went out to temporarily avoid my feelings. I spent maybe 16 dollars in gas, beer and cigarettes. I went home and was struck by the things that seemed missing in my life in spite of my praying for them, and like most nights when I am in pain, I thought God seems distant, and wondered why, and wished it wasn't so. I wondered why God doesn't talk to me as clearly or as often as I would like, even though he must know that I want this so badly.
     Lately, over the last 90 days or so I have wondered about God as a father, and fathers in general. I think about how a father feels when a child is selfish or thoughtless, and a sibling suffers needlessly because of it. I think about what my Dad would have said if my sister was doing without something she needed, while I had plenty and was distracting myself from my luxury with my sister's salvation. Maybe I should be appreciative of the divine silence, and get off my ass before it comes to an end. Maybe God doesn't speak because he is holding his temper.